I was a weird child. Not weird, weird. Just regular weird. I didn't like some of the things the other kids liked and loved things that the other kids had never heard about. I figured it was normal to have these unique things about me and just like every other kid, I felt pride about them, that is until I started to notice the homogeny of others and I wasn't a part and it started to bother me. As I've gotten older, I began to accept and love the things I found shameful back then, so don't worry, this has a happy ending.
For instance, I have a birthmark that spans from my left bicep all the way to my chest. When I wear shirts with short sleeves you can see some of it. As a kid I remember something pointing my birthmark to me and I told them I was just dirty. That birthmark made me feel dirty. It made me feel weird weird.
I also used to care a lot about what people thought about me. I tried so hard to be funny one and the smart one and the one that smelled good or the one that got the good grades. However, behind the scenes I was the gay one, the overly theatrical one, the one who fit in because he was the same age as everyone else, not because he was just like them. I was in theatre, but not part of the theatre people. I was in the smart classes, but not part of the smart people. I was involved in journalism, but not part of the journalist people. It made me feel weird weird.
It didn't help that when I started to grow up with my peers, my interests began to grow apart. Everyone was listening to popular music of the time like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga and whatever rapper was popular at the time, while I began to listen to broadway showtunes and classical music (however that may have been because of the gay thing). Now I listen almost exclusively to broadway music and old jazz/big band music. While everyone was watching MTV and whatever series was popular at the time, I was binge watching Golden Girls reruns (again, maybe because of the gay thing) and obscure Australian shows. My interests were weird weird.
I was speaking with my best friend the other day and I asked him to describe me in a few words and he said, "You're weird and lovable and an incredibly caring person." (I know I put it in quotes, but I'm sure I'm paraphrasing). And I asked him why he thought I was weird. And he said those words again, "You're not weird, weird. Just weird."
I stood thinking there for a second. I remembered feeling different in high school, but it stopped crossing my mind as I got older and my friend group got smaller. I stopped thinking about what made me different than others because there were plenty of other things to focus on, but it came rushing back. I forgot I was weird until someone told me I was weird. But this time I wasn't weird weird. Just weird. I'm sure that's an improvement.
I liked being weird. I still do. I love the eclectic collection of interests and values I have amassed for myself. I like being outside of normal. I like being the one wearing Hawaiian shirts while everyone is wearing suits. I like belting the operatic stylings of Kristin Chenoweth in my car while everyone is rapping to Cardi B. Granted sometimes I am out of the loop when it comes to current artists and celebrities, but that's what Google is for!
I am happier now that I don't struggle with caring what others think. And to those who said or thought or whispered about how weird weird I was back then, to this I say:
Thank you, I still am.
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